Wow its Almost June...

Tomorrow Starts June officially! Wow this year seems to be flying by super freaking fast. With the start of June comes Fathers Day this month and on a sad note it will mark the One year Anniversary of Johns Partners Death. I cant believe its been a year.But The start of June also brings hotter weather and more swim days! Its the End of a school year for Caylee and just 3 short weeks later it starts her 4th grade year and Olivias Kindergarten year! So exciting things are closer as the month of June rolls around!

Sunday

Things over here have been relatively quite. Yesterday was spent just lazing around and resting. which was much needed. I was extremely exhausted, and i hadnt slept in 2 days.

I guess all the events of the week just got to me.anyway considering its almost noon today and i am just getting started. another day of resting is in order. Grandma Ruths Funeral is on Wednesday.

Something i am not looking forward to.anyway I am off to go play with Livy and Atticus and enjoy my sunday. I hope that you all do the same ( Enjoy your Sunday that is!!)

Speaking the truth.....

Over the last year and a half i have learned ALOT about my self. I have learned whats truly important: in my life, in myself, my hopes, my dreams, desires, what i was lacking and what i had to gain.

If you were to go back 2 years and ask me if my life would be so peaceful and full of happiness I would have to tell you NO. I had such a negative outlook to life. Alot of it had to do with being immature and pety and getting sucked into Drama, Mistreating people, and down right not being the person I knew was deep inside of me.It took a huge falling out with a couple women i truly cared about to make me step back and re evaluate ME. not the people around me BUT MY INNER SELF.

Yes it took alot of lonely days and nights and a few traumatic events to surface what the problems were and to deal with them and move on.anyway that is the past and i want the past to be just that THE PAST. I have ALOT to live for.... I have my children, My health, my happiness, the man I love to death ( although we are far from perfect) my family. I wake up each morning with a positive outlook on life.

I now think HOW can i make this a GREAT day instead of HOW do i even make it through today.I set daily goals for myself and most of the time i end up pushing them aside and just go with the flow. Remember... When you tell someone that you want their honesty and they give it to you and then you get hurt and start being defensive YOU asked for it.

The truth hurts sometimes but we all need the truth in our lives to improve who we are meant to be... So as you are waking up this coming morning Put a positive spin on it and MAKE YOUR OWN DAY GREAT!!!!

Artichoke Stem up & Bananna Royals

Artichokes have become a staple in our house. Mostly because Livy and I are completely addicted to them. They are the Yummmmm. Anyways, So this late afternoon i made 3 of them one for me, one for Livy and Livy wanted one for daddy. So Im sitting here at my desk with John next to me and i stopped and watched him eating his artichoke.

now John doesnt normally eat these but Livy insisted... most people know how to eat one right?Apparently not John...lol he was eating the bottoms of them you know where you snip the little sharp end off. I was just looking at him and he was like what so i explained to him he was eating it wrong. OH he says no wonder it didnt taste right...lol men.

Dur Dur now that my husband is eating them the correct way now, this evening I decided to enduldge in some Baskin and Robbins. I had a Bananna Royal. Yummmmmmmm double yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.We also went and got me clothes for the funeral which i dont know when its happening but im sure its sometime this weekish.So anyway yea thats all.

Because I deserve a positive post

While Death has a way of sneaking upon us and causing us pain when we suffer the loss of a loved one. We need to remember that there is still SO much to live for.I just wanted to share some photos of my oldest Daughter Caylee Marie. Can you believe that at 9 years old she is a half a head shorter than Me???? well Im only 5'1 so she must be 5 1/2 feet tall now.. jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze..

Saying Good Bye-

I remember the first time i met Ruth Campos, Olivia was barely 2 weeks old and Johns grandparents wanted to meet his first daughter. I was so nervous to meet them, I was told that they were of strict Catholic Beliefs and that it was wrong to have a child out of wedlock. Under those circumstances anyone would be nervous. It wasnt like that at all. They welcomed not only their new great granddaughter with open arms but they also welcomed me. I was instantly a part of their family. One of my favorite photos of that first meeting is of Johns mom handing Olivia to Ruth, and in that moment you can see how much Olivia looked like her great grandmother as a newborn. Its a photo that i will always cheerish and that one day i hope that Olivia will Cheerish as well. I always looked forward to spending time with Grandma Ruth; the days we would go over to her house so she could see our family I loved seeing the joy that her great grandchildren brought to her as they ran around her house, laughing and playing and enjoying the innocence of being young. I enjoyed our conversations and her storys about my husband when he was little. I enjoyed hearing about my husbands father and Aunts when they were little as well. She would tell me storys about her childhood and i was always so facsinated and amazed at the memory she had. When we found out i was pregnant with Atticus and we knew he was for sure a boy; I couldnt wait to tell Grandma Ruth. Another boy for her. Another boy that would carry on the family name. She was of course happy about the baby. I will always cheerish the blankets that she knitted for Atticus and gave to me at my baby shower. It was one of the most heartfelt gifts i have ever received. When atticus was born i remember later that night when the Aunts brought Grandma Ruth to the hospital so she could meet her new great grandson. She was already starting to loose her strength so Aunt Lupe helped hold Atticus with her. Its another one of the precious photos i will hold dear to my heart. What was so amazing about Grandma Ruth was her heart. I havent been in her family very long at all. Just four short years but she made me feel like i had been there since birth when she would introduce us to other family, friends, church officials she never said this is Johns wife Desiree. She would say this is my granddaughter Desiree. Like i had been in her life since birth. She was so open and loving and caring. I will miss that about her. I am so thankful for having the opprotunity to have Grandma Ruth in my life. I am grateful that my children had time with a great grandparent. The only great grandparent. She was the last of the Great Grandparents living. Although my children especially Atticus wont remember all the great details in the short time they spent with Grandma Ruth I have the photographs and her stories to share with them as they get older. I will make sure that they know how much she loved them. They are a part of her. For without her there would be no them. It might seem silly to say that i am grateful that Grandma Ruth is in a better place. Because now she walks with the angels, in heaven with God, her husband and her son. She is no longer in any pain. Her spirit will always live on, she lives through all of us still here. RIP Great Grandma Ruth

Life-

Life has its crazy little way of reminding you that it doesnt last forever. So all i really have to say right now is to appreciate what you have at THIS moment. Life is changing quickly.

Good Night sweetheart goodnight!

Its that time of the day where i say goodnight! well atleast to the online community that is! I will still be up for a while I have movies to watch!!! YAY me...lol anyway It got really quiet in my house so i was like YES atticus is finally asleep. turned around and the bedroom door was closed NOT good...lol when i got up i found him asleep on the ground next to the computer chair.. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

A 2nd Chance

Not many people know that my father was recently Released from Prison. Its not really something i am proud of. I mean who would be proud to say yea i dont know my father he has been in prison most of my life.EhWell He has been released. The last time i remember seeing him i was 8-9 years old. So it has been 19-20 some odd years. The only thing i remember was being dropped off at my moms house and it being dark. Growing up I always resented my father for not being a part of my life. I resented him for Making the stupid choices he did that kept him going in and out of federal lock up. I resented him for Making a new family and having another child. I have 3 siblings total from my dad. 2 older brothers Jeff is my half brother he was born first, My mom had my brother Robert and I with my dad and then my dad had my little sister Lacresha with his wife after my mom. Although that marriage didnt last long either and Ive never met my younger sister. I was always pissed at my Father for never caring or trying harder. It wasnt until i was adult that i fully had contact with him. I managed to find him using Google of all things and looking up federal inmates. I wrote him a long nasty letter basically telling him how disgusted i was with him for never being there. It was through that letter that we were able to form a kind of "relationship".As time went on and I became a mother myself i found it important to know my father and his side of his family. I have learned alot. and while the majority of him not being in my life is his fault i have found that my mother is to blame as well. *although she would deny it.*So now with him being released and back in California. I am getting ready to "meet" my father for the first time really. I know that he cant make up for all those lost years. I just hope that he can be a man and a grandfather to my children now that he is able to.I am looking forward to meeting him and my children meeting him along with other people from his side of my family. I have alot of family on his side. lots of Aunts and uncles and cousins i never met or only met once and dont remember.I feel like he and I get a second chance. to make up some lost time and to grow and find a middle ground as father and daughter.~Chaotic Beauty

It just keeps getting better

Yep thats right folks.... Just when i thought i would get a break NOPE. Atticus my little man started puking down the hall way. Got him cleaned up the carpet cleaned up and he fell asleep. about a hour later he started puking in his sleep. Poor kid covered in puke i decided to just let him finish before moving him. Got him in the tub cleaned up again and proceeded to clean up my puke covered couch, floor & cars bedding. Niiice, so here it is 11:36pm and i am waiting for the stuff in the washer to get done so i can dry it. Olivia and Atticus are resting peacefully on the couch asleep. Caylee is asleep in her bed and John is at work learning his new patrol car. Yep thats right in the middle of a economical diasaster his dept bought new cars... yeeeeeeeeeeeeepI feel like a zombie right now. I desperately need sleep but i know atticus will wake soon wanting his blanket back. :( anyway hopefully Memorial Day will be better for our household.Hope everyone is having a better weekend then I am! =P

Sunny Sunday

Yep its sunny Sunday here at the house. NOT, Atticus is in a horrible mood. ah the joys of 2 year olds. Caylee is thankfully just reading today and not giving me any trouble. Olivia isnt really feeling well. she has been puking all night. She refuses to eat. My guess is that being in the hospital she picked up some sick bug.Which means its going to spread in the house like a wild fire! hah bad example. John's first night back to work is tonight YAY now i can get my kids back on a schedule! I have a massive headache its soo Narly. Im trying to avoid taken the 800mg Motrins since they make me sleepy. hopefully the kids will take a nap soon so i can take one and sleep with them.Anyway. dont know what else to blog about sorry this one is so bitching.

Olivia's turn at the ER

This afternoon while we were grocery shopping Olivia was sitting on the cart ( the handle part) John was bagging groceries while i tended to Atticus's fit and olivia fell off getting her arm caught in the basket. It started swelling and she was crying so much she practically passed out so i held her while we took her into the ER. 8 xrays (she ... Read Morewasnt cooperative) a sling and Ice pack later we are home. Thank god it wasnt broken but she is completely bruised along her elbow and Dr said it was take a few weeks for her to recover and the bruising would get worse. So she has to rest it in the sling ( which isnt going over too well) and Ice it. :( I seriously thought she broke it. she was crying so hard and she was sooo scared. my poor baby I was really scared for her. Especially during the Xrays. She freaked out. the Tech was a Asshole and told me if i didnt get her calmed down they would sedate her for this. I finally got her calmed enough for them to get the good shots they needed. then we spent time icing it to see if the swelling would go down.She hates the sling. and I mean HATES it. I did get her to keep it on for a half hour to ice it tonight before she went to bed. ALthough she is moving it around etc. Dr said its going to take a while to heal with a injury to her soft tissue in that area.I just hope the bruising doesnt get too bad.

Sometimes I wonder

I noticed that no one follows my blogs or even makes comments and i wonder to myself Why am I even bothering? Well its simple. Blogging is my outlet. its the only way i am going to be able to write about my life. Recently i got rid of my myspace account and all other website memberships except my facebook and my Police Wives Websites. I kept these sites because it is nice to have some one that truly understands what its like to have a Spouse in this line of career.I need to start being more active though. I really am slugging behind. To all my fellow PWs sorry for being a slug!

Swimmers Thursday

today we had Rachel and her beautiful children over to swim. The girls loved playing with R&B alot. I took some photos. I will refrain from showing Rachels ass photo here too...lol :)

When your tired your Tired

Yep Thats my boy!!!! haha Fell asleep sitting straight up. how funny I guess when your tired it doesnt matter how your sitting/laying. :)

First Day of the swim season

Today was the first swim day for the girls officially kicking off the summer season! woot They had a blast We are going out there everyday possible! I only got 2 pics of Olivia before my phone died and I didnt bring the camera out tomorrow i will for sure though! We are having a friend and her two kids over to swim in the afternoon!Anyway life has been good over here lately! I am so thankful for that. John took this whole week off because he strained his shoulder. He still cant really move it all that well so back to the Dr he will go.anyway here is the photo: